Frisco Scraps "Meatless Monday" Plan!
Beef-Fry Days (B.F.D.) Resolution Passed By San Francisco Supervisors
By William Kevin Stoos Friday, April 9, 2010
No sooner had San Francisco announced its Meatless Mondays program—proposed by Supervisor Sophie “Meatless” Maxwell—vegetarian, than they scrapped the plan in favor of a more traditional way to curb pollution in the United States. Of course, this startling development caught the eye of Ace Reporter and “Most Trusted Name in the News 2010,” Hugh Betcha. Hugh, Chief of the Food Bureau of the Stoos Views media conglomerate in Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the folks vote red and the centre still holds—called Heather “Muffin” Goodearth, spokes- individual for the San Francisco Board of Supervisors—to get the lowdown. Heather, who took the call for Maxwell, who was attending a conference on “Offending the Goddess of Nature—How to Protect the Ecosphere,” at the Frisco University Institute of Technology—Cows Are Killing the Environment division (F.R.U.I.T.C.A.K.E) explained the sudden change in attitude by the Supervisors.
“We got it all wrong,” she noted, almost apologetically. “Studies by environmental scientists at F.R.U.I.T.C.A.K.E. have proved beyond any doubt that cow flatus—not automobiles, volcanic eruptions or industrial emissions—is responsible for most of the air pollution world wide. These are the same scientists who argued for the elimination of all plastic bags, the banning of warships in the harbor, the health hazards of smoking in outdoor cafes, the danger of mixing different types of compost, and the danger of mean thoughts, so we cannot question their findings. That being the case we decided that Meatless Mondays was the wrong approach altogether.”
“Why?” Hugh inquired—always good at such incisive questions.
“Simply put, cows are the enemy. By promoting Meatless Mondays, we are actually encouraging cow life—which is detrimental to human life and the environment. Their “gas” if you will, is sucking the life out of the planet. Al Gore has advised us candidly, that if cattle are allowed to live, there will be no oxygen left on the planet within five years—the same time that the polar ice caps melt. Therefore the answer is simple….”
“...that is?”
“We must ban their production and eat them all.”
“Say what?”
“Yes, we have changed our thinking about this matter and have a two fold plan: First, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors will announce this week the passage of a strong resolution condemning the production of all beef henceforth, and banning the raising of cattle within the city limits of San Francisco. This ban will serve as a beacon to all other cities, states and nations—just as we have led the way on every major social issue of the day. We expect our great Leader Nancy Pelosi to introduce national legislation to this effect later this year—but we must start somewhere. So the resolution will be announced this week and strictly enforced. Second, beginning this week, the Board will pass a resolution announcing that, henceforth, every Friday in San Francisco shall be “Beef-Fry Day.” All citizens (except Sophie) will be ordered to eat as much beef as possible and thereby do their part to eliminate the scourge of these gas-passing behemoths who are sucking the oxygen from the planet, destroying the ozone layer, melting the poles and killing thousands of those baby polar bears who are left homeless by the melting icecaps.”
“What is the theory here?” Hugh inquired.
“By outlawing the production of beef—which will certainly catch on when others read our resolution and do the same—and eating those that remain, we clean up the air—it is that simple.”
“Wow, this is indeed innovative. What is next?”
“We will ban auto emissions within the city limits and thereby eliminate the second biggest source of pollution on the planet next to bovine flatulence.”
“You mean….”
“Yes….Motorless Mondays. No driving within the city limits of San Francisco on Mondays. Watch the papers. And if that works as we expect…”
“Don’t tell me….”
“Autoless August.”
